OT, but a good laugh

[355th_Paulie]

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing

because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air

Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52

that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The

dreaded seven-engine approach." :biggrin:

 

 

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the

following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground Control (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in

English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German aeroplane, in

Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because

you lost the bloody war!" :biggrin:

 

 

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a

Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little

Fokker in sight." :biggrin:

 

 

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight

departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a

United 727.

 

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto

Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's

difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

 

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting

hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to

sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You

can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want

you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You

got that, US Air 2771?"

 

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

 

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent

after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging

the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

 

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

 

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,

asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?":biggrin:

[Shaman]

ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."

N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"

ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."

N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"

ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR*."

N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated!"

 

edit:

oh got another one, just had to translate it:

ALITALIA plane got strucked by lightning that destroyed most of the cockpit instruments.

ALITALIA: - So if everything failed, nothing works now, altimeter is dead, nothing shows anything....

After five minutes of ALITALIA broadcasted complaints, you hear some unknown pilot on the radio:

- Shut up, and die like a man.

[bSr.LCsta]

these are awesome!!!

[Kevlon]

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight

departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a

United 727.

 

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto

Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's

difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

 

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting

hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to

sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You

can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want

you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You

got that, US Air 2771?"

 

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

 

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent

after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging

the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

 

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

 

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,

asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?":biggrin:

 

LMAO !!

[britgliderpilot]

My word file of aviation funnies is 41 pages long - hold on a moment . . . . .

[britgliderpilot]

ABC: London tower this is alpha bravo charlie on short final 33.

TWR: Alpha bravo charlie, negative visual contact pull up go around.

I took a good hard look for the a/c and saw nothing so I called tower and got cleared to go. I heard 2 more renditions of the "On short final" and "Pull up go around" act. On the fourth try the pilot got a bit frustrated about the wave off. It went like this.

TWR: Negative visual contact pull up and go around.

ABC: Well look out you window, I'm right bloody in front of you!

Tower came back very cool and collected.

TWR: Alpha bravo charlie look down into the center of the runway pattern. Do you see a big white radar dome?

ABC: err.... Negative dome tower.

TWR: That's because you're not over London. You're over Waterloo-Wellington 50 miles northeast of my position. Waterloo-Wellington tower frequency is 125.00. I think they would like to talk to you.

 

Tower: Cessna N1234, be advised wake turbulence - UA 737.

[pause]

Cessna: San Jose tower be advised the Cessna is ahead of the 737.

[longer pause]

Tower: UA 737, be advised wake turbulence Cessna 172.

 

 

A true story from my Scottish days when a C152 pilot was asked to report his height prior to clearance to enter the zone, replied:

"Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred", upon which the Controller very smartly replied, "Roger, prepare to fire retro-rockets and re-enter the atmosphere time 07"!

 

 

C-150: Tower this is N-ABCD can you give us a ground speed please?

Tower: Roger N-ABCD we show you at 110 knots

Mooney: (Showing off a bit) tower this is N-EFGH can you give US a ground speed please?

Tower: Roger that N-EFGH we show you at 201 knots

F-18: (Showing off a lot and said with a Texas drawl). Heh Heh.. tower how about XXXX, can you give US a ground speed please?

Tower: Roger XXXX we show you at 580 knots.

... Then in a distant crackly voice,

"Tower, we'd like a ground speed too please..."

Tower: Ummmm ahhh .... Must be something wrong with our equipment here, I show you at 1500 knots sir.

"No sir, this is a SR-71. Thank you for the reading."

 

Cessna: Bay Approach, Cessna 12345 over South County Airport at 4 thousand feet, request permission to land at San Jose.

Bay Approach: Cessna 12345, Squawk 4567, and do you have Hotel? (The current SJC ATIS)

Cessna: Negative, we're going to stay with my sister-in-law.

American 123: Does your sister-in-law have any extra rooms?

 

"American 303 heavy, DFW tower. Make 360 for sequencing."

"DFW, American 303 heavy. Do you know how much it costs the airline for me to 360 this thing? About $2600!"

"American 303 heavy, DFW. Make one of those $2600 turns for sequencing, then report outer marker."

 

One day Airline A's DC-9 was approaching Glasgow minutes ahead of an Airline B's 737. The DC-9 got clearance for the descent and the 737 soon after. After handover from the Airways to the Area Radar facility it was noticed that the 737 which was behind the DC-9 was catching up the DC-9 even though they were both reduced to the same speed 250kts. The 737 was advised by ATC then to reduce to 230 knots for separation. Several more minutes went by and the ATC radar noticed that still, the 737 was catching up the DC-9. So, the 737 crew were advised to reduce to 210kts. Again the 737 was told to reduce speed once again. This time the Captain replied to the instruction "Don't you know the Stalling speed of a 737 is?". To which the ATC replied "I have no idea but if you ask the pilot sitting next to you, he might know!"

 

In the 70's an H.S. Trident (a noisy aircraft) climbing out of Glasgow for London and into the Airway. Being late at night and above normal ATC restrictions request climb to cruise altitude. Normally this would be approved due to the limited traffic and this captain renown for being awkward.

Trident: Request climb FL330

ATC: Climb FL 180 and report level.

The Trident is in the climb and the Captain comes on the radio again requesting to continue the climb.

ATC: Report and maintain FL180 due to Noise Abatement.

At this the Captain comes back on the radio.

Trident: What do mean by Noise Abatement?

ATC: If you continue your climb you will be in the direct path of a 747 coming the other way and there will be an almighty bang!

 

"Approach, how far from the airport are we in minutes?"

"N923, the faster you go, the quicker you'll get here"

 

"American 220...eenie, meenie, miney, moe...how do you hear my radio?"

 

"Air Wisconsin 335, caution wake turbulence...there is an Air Wisconsin 345 on the frequency."

 

"I don't mind altitude separation as long as they're not on top of each other."

 

"We were told runway 9...we'll take out the 14R approach plate."

"Captain, you got 6 miles to take it out...have a ball!"

 

"The traffic at nine o'clock is gonna do a little Linda Rondstadt on you."

"Linda Rondstadt?!? What's that????"

"Well sir.... they're gonna 'Blue Bayou'!"

 

I can see the country club down below...looks like a lot of controllers out

there." "Yes sir, there is...and they're caddying for DC-10 drivers like you!"

 

"Northwest 07K...you look like you're established on the localizer and I don't know the names of any of the fixes...you're cleared for the ILS approach, call tower."

 

"Amtram 726, sorry 'bout that...Center thought you were a Midway arrival...just sit back, relax and pass out some more cookies and we'll get you to Milwaukee."

 

"Approach, what's our sequence?"

"Calling for sequence, I missed your call sign...but if I find out what it is, you're last"

 

"Sure you can have 8 miles behind the heavy, but there'll be United Tri-jet between you and him."

 

"Approach, Southwest 436...you want US to turn right to 090???"

"No, I want your brother to turn...just do it and don't argue!"

 

"Approach, United 525...what's this aircraft doing at my altitude?"

"United 525...what makes you think it's your altitude?!?"

 

"Delta 1176, say speed"

"Approach, we slowed to 220"

"Delta 1176, pick it back up to 250...this ain't Atlanta and those ain't grits on the ground."

 

"Request runway 27 right."

"Unable."

"Approach...do you know that the wind at 6,000 ft is 270 at 50?"

 

"Yeah I do...and if we could jack the airport up to 5,500 ft, you could have that runway...expect 14 right."

 

"Air Force 45, it appears your engine has...oh, disregard...I see you've already ejected."

 

"The first officer says he has you in sight"

"Roger, the first officer is cleared for a visual approach runway 27...YOU continue on that 180 heading and descend down to 3,000 ft."

 

"Hey O'Hare...you see that 7600 code flashing 5 miles NW of Gary?"

"Yeah I do...you guys talking to him?"

 

"Approach, what's the tower?"

"A big tall building with glass all around it..."

 

"How far behind traffic are we?"

"3 miles."

"That doesn't look like 3 miles to us!"

"Well, you're a mile and a half from him and he's a mile and a half from you, so that's 3 miles!"

 

Just a few to keep you going ;)

[NEODARK]

haha, nice guys. Keep them coming :)

[355th_Paulie]

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting

to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: "What was your last known

position?"

Student: "When I was number one ready for takeoff." :biggrin:

 

 

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up

here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" :biggrin:

 

 

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing

bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself

immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!" :biggrin:

 

 

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" :biggrin:

 

 

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a

short-tempered lot.

They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get

there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that

we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt

ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.......

 

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground Control: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground Control: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been

to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't

land." :biggrin:

[Glowing_Amraam]

OMG stop it, you're killing me here!! :biggrin: :biggrin:

[44th_Veldcath]

A B52 was flying with an F117 escort who was being quite the annoyance... Flying circles around the lumbering bomber and generally showing off. At one point, the F117 pilot radioed the bomber crew with, "Anything you can do, I can do better!"

 

"Let's have a little contest then, shall we?" Came the reply from the bomber's pilot.

 

"Sure thing!"

 

The B52 continued to fly straight and level for several minutes before the F117 pilot got annoyed at the wait to see what they could pull out.

 

"B52, c'mon... do something!"

 

"We already did."

 

"What??"

 

"Shut down two of our engines."

[Kenan]

A B52 was flying with an F117 escort who was being quite the annoyance... Flying circles around the lumbering bomber and generally showing off. At one point, the F117 pilot radioed the bomber crew with, "Anything you can do, I can do better!"

 

"Let's have a little contest then, shall we?" Came the reply from the bomber's pilot.

 

"Sure thing!"

 

The B52 continued to fly straight and level for several minutes before the F117 pilot got annoyed at the wait to see what they could pull out.

 

"B52, c'mon... do something!"

 

"We already did."

 

"What??"

 

"Shut down two of our engines."

 

ROFL! :d

[Glowing_Amraam]

Um, wasn't this the EXACT "incident" in the movie "Bill and John"????? :icon_roll

 

Ok, maybe not exact, but it seems very familiar :rolleyes:

[Force_Feedback]

Um, wasn't this the EXACT "incident" in the movie "Bill and John"????? :icon_roll

 

Ok, maybe not exact, but it seems very familiar :rolleyes:

 

They opened a can of beer there

[Shaman]

Yes it sounds very familliar! I just laughed my ass off! This just asks for a LockOn movie :)

[Glowing_Amraam]

It sure does, but don't look at me :tongue:

[-GI- Xfire]

a naval thing but very funny...

 

 

 

 

 

Actual conversation recorded on channel 106 of the maritime emergency frequency off the Galatian coast of Spain between Spaniards and Americans the 16th of October, 1997.

 

This conversation really took place and it took until March 2005 before the Spanish military released it. All Spanish newspapers printed it, and in the meantime, whole Spain is laughing out loud - have fun!!!

 

Spaniard:

(background noise) This is A-853, please alter your heading 15 degrees to the south to avoid collision. You are headed straight for us, at a distance of 25 nautical miles.

 

American:

(background noise) We suggest you alter your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid collision.

 

Spanish:

Negative. Repeat, please turn 15 degrees south to avoid collision.

 

Americans:

(another voice) This is the captain of a ship of the United States of America speaking. We request that you turn 15 degrees north to avoid collision.

 

Spanish:

We do not consider that doable, nor convenient. Please turn 15 degrees to the south to avoid colliding with us.

 

Americans:

(heated tone) THIS IS CAPTAIN RICHARD JAMES HOWARD SPEAKING, IN COMMAND OF THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN OF THE UNITED STATES NAVY, THE SECOND LARGEST WARSHIP IN THE AMERICAN FLEET. WE ARE ESCORTED BY 2 GUNBOATS, 6 DESTROYERS, 5 BATTLESHIPS, 4 SUBMARINES, AND A NUMBER OF OTHER SUPPORT VESSELS. I DO NOT "SUGGEST", I "ORDER" YOU TO CHANGE YOUR HEADING 15 DEGREES TO THE NORTH. IF YOU DO NOT COMPLY, WE TAKE ALL NECESSARY MEASURES TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS VESSEL. PLEASE OBEY IMMEDIATELY AND REMOVE YOURSELVES FROM OUR COURSE!!!

 

Spanish:

This is Juan Manuel Salas Alcantara speaking. We are two people. We are escorted by our dog, food, 2 beers, and a canary that's asleep at the moment. We have the support of the radio station "Cadena Dial de La Coru" and channel 106 of the emergency maritime frequency. We aren't going to turn anywhere, seeing as we're speaking from land. We're in the lighthouse A-853 of Finisterra on the Galatian coast. We don't have the foggiest clue about where we rank in Spanish affairs. You can take whatever measures you please and do whatever the **** you want to guarantee the safety of your piece of shit vessel, that's going to crash into the rocks! So we insist, once again, and we recommend you do the most sensible thing and change your heading 15 degrees south to avoid collision.

[GGTharos]

Yeah, there are a numebr of variations on that lighthouse things. it is 100% NOT true.

[britgliderpilot]

Yeah, there are a numebr of variations on that lighthouse things. it is 100% NOT true.

 

I prefer the simple deadpan ending - "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

 

 

The Scandiwegians turned it into beer advert, set in the Irish sea . . . . but still voiced in English with the right accents?

 

Oh well.

 

 

Likewise, the B52 has umpety-ump different variations - the F117 one is almost certainly false (F117 as an escort? wtf?), but I believe the original story included an F4 escorting a B52. And something more mundane . . . . "got up, got a cup of coffee, and went downstairs for a chat with the navigator".

 

There are two TRUE stories about indecent exposure at 30,000 feet, though.

Will see if I can find the links and pictures.

[britgliderpilot]

:p

 

 

Find the story here:

 

http://aviationpics.de/military/1999/moon.html

 

Larger pic here:

 

http://aviationpics.de/military/1999/f4moon_3.jpg

[GGTharos]

And, the nurse DATED him after she saw this.

[Brit_Radar_Dude]

"Hey O'Hare...you see that 7600 code flashing 5 miles NW of Gary?"

"Yeah I do...you guys talking to him?"

 

Heh, heh, my favourite! (For the non-ATC folks out there, 7600 is the emergency transponder code setting for "my radio is dead").

[ThirdELTPoznan]

By Toyo

[Daniel D.]

Hahahaha, great jokes!!!

[Cosmonaut]

Yeah, there are a numebr of variations on that lighthouse things. it is 100% NOT true.

 

 

Really.. damn I thought the lighthouse one was true LOL.. I heard the story a few years ago and I think someone in the thread said that there were voice recordings of the event.. guess they were just BS'ing..Ah heck another good myth busted ;)

[-GI- Xfire]

Really.. damn I thought the lighthouse one was true LOL.. I heard the story a few years ago and I think someone in the thread said that there were voice recordings of the event.. guess they were just BS'ing..Ah heck another good myth busted ;)

 

i don`t think it`s a joke, it was here on television (news).