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After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then

the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

 

Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.

 

By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!

 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 

P: Something loose in the cockpit.

S: Something tightened in the cockpit.

 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on backorder.

 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

 

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.

 

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

 

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

 

P: The number 3 engine is missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

 

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

 

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

 

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

 

And the best one saved for last......

 

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget

pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from the midget.

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old stuff but still funny :)

this one cracks me up

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

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Guest IguanaKing

Funny stuff, but its been around for a very long time. ;) It didn't come from Qantas either. Its just a collection of squawks from various sources, and it often ends up belonging to one airline or another...an aviation urban legend. :D

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We had one here on base couple days ago. From B-1b Lancer Pilots to the crew chiefs

 

P: Temperature adjustment will not turn hot in Auto mode

S: Heater installed in OSO (Offensive Systems Officer) Ejection Seat.

 

Pilot and Crew chief were good friends other wise crew chief would have been in some serious trouble for messing with the AC forms.

 

The Temperature control panel has 2 modes. Auto and manual, Auto obviously adjusts according to what the pilot and copilot set it at. To hot it gets cold. Etc.

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This is pretty popular in Bulgaria too. Actualy I was the first to attach it on the wall in our briefing room 2 years ago, it's still there. It was a good laugh. The most popular anecdote from the former Balkan Airlines was:

- Sounds like "bau-bau" comming from engine 2.

- Engine 2 inspected, no dog found.

 

Speaking seriously, this is pretty important subject and from my experience pilots regularly underestimate the meaning of what they write in the logbook. Last time they wrote as a complaint "Refill the oil tank of the left engine". The mechanic in charge got pretty angry and his first reaction was to respond with "Who are you to tell me what to do?!" but everything ended with a report to the chief pilot and the technical director of the company. What they should have written is "Low oil level of the left engine" but their hyper mega ego often makes them write bullsh*t in the logbook which is an official and pretty important document.

"See, to me that's a stupid instrument. It tells what your angle of attack is. If you don't know you shouldn't be flying." - Chuck Yeager, from the back seat of F-15D at age 89.

=RvE=

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