"Helicopters are diferent" (helo humor)

Mainly from jollygreen.org:

Helicopter Pilots are diferent too:

http://www.jollygreen.org/Humor/Reasoner.jpg

and the most important:

• 
  
• Once you are in the fight, it is way too late to wonder if this is a good idea.
  
• It is a fact that helicopter tail rotors are instinctively drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc. While it may be possible to ward off this natural event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of the crew, always be prevented. It's just what they do.
  
• NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition than the other guy.
  
• The engine RPM and the rotor RPM must BOTH be kept in the GREEN. Failure to heed this commandment can affect the morale of the crew.
  
• Cover your Buddy, so he can be around to cover for you.
  
• Decisions made by someone above you in the chain-of-command will seldom be in your best interest.
  
• The terms Protective Armor and Helicopter are mutually exclusive.
  
• Sometimes, being good and lucky still is not enough.
  
• "Chicken Plates" are not something you order in a restaurant.
  
• If everything is as clear as a bell, and everything is going exactly as planned, you're about to be surprised.
  
• Loud, sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention.
  
• The BSR (Bang Stare Red) Theory states that the louder the sudden bang in the helicopter, the quicker your eyes will be drawn to the gauges. The longer you stare at the gauges the less time it takes them to move from green to red.
  
• No matter what you do, the bullet with your name on it will get you. So, too, can the ones addressed "To Whom It May Concern".
  
• If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need.
  
• If you are wearing body armor, they will probably miss that part.
  
• Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
  
• Having all your body parts intact and functioning at the end of the day beats the alternative.
  
• If you are allergic to lead, it is best to avoid a war zone.
  
• It is a bad thing to run out of airspeed, altitude, and ideas all at the same time.
  
• Hot garrison chow is better than hot C-rations which, in turn, are better than cold C-rations, which are better than no food at all. All of these, however, are preferable to cold rice balls, even if they do have the little pieces of fish in them.
  
• Everybody's a hero ... on the ground ... in the club ... after the fourth drink.
  
• A free fire zone has nothing to do with economics.
  
• The further you fly into the mountains, the louder the strange engine noises become.
  
• Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better.
  
• Being shot hurts.
  
• "Pucker Factor" is the formal name of the equation that states the more hairy the situation is, the more of the seat cushion will be sucked up your asshole. It can be expressed in its mathematical formula of S (suction) + H (height) above ground) + I (interest in staying alive) + T (# of tracers coming your way)
  
• Thus the term 'SHIT!' can also be used to denote a situation where high Pucker Factor is being encountered.
  
• Thousands of Vietnam Veterans earned medals for bravery every day. A few were even awarded.
  
• Running out of pedal, fore or aft cyclic, or collective are all bad ideas. Any combination of these can be deadly.
  
• There is only one rule in war: When you win, you get to make up the rules.
  
• C-4 can make a dull day fun.
  
• There is no such thing as a fair fight-only ones where you win or lose.
  
• If you win the battle you are entitled to the spoils. If you lose you don't care.
  
• Nobody cares what you did yesterday or what you are going to do tomorrow. What is important is what you are doing-NOW-to solve our problem.
  
• Always make sure someone has a P-38. Uh, that's a can opener for those of you who aren't military.
  
• Prayer may not help . . . but it can't hurt.
  
• Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling. All of these, however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac, even if it is, technically, a form of flying.
  
• If everyone does not come home, none of the rest of us can ever fully come home either.
  
• Do not fear the enemy, for your enemy can only take your life. It is far better that you fear the media, for they will steal your HONOR.
  
• A grunt is the true reason for the existence of the helicopter. Every helicopter flying in Vietnam had one real purpose: To help the grunt. It is unfortunate that many helicopters never had the opportunity to fulfill their one true mission in life, simply because someone forgot this fact.
  
• If you have not been there and done that . . . you probably will not understand most of these.

Hahaha good one

:thumbup:

:)lol

:thumbup:

LOL, nice:thumbup::thumbup::thumbup:

:megalol:

Good stuff! Well put. If you have some more, post it too! :thumbup:

Yeah, got some more from few other places (those need a real helo-pilot like sense of humor though ;) ):

• The rotor is just a big fan on top of the helicopter designed to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

• Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

• I never liked riding in helicopters because there's a fair probability that the bottom part will get going around as fast as the top part.— Lt. Col. John Wittenborn, USAFR.

• Real planes use only a single stick to fly. This is why bulldozers & helicopters -- in that order -- need two. — Paul Slattery

• If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage / classic helicopter fly-ins? — Anonymous

• Hovering is for pilots who love to fly but have no place to go.

• Helicopters don't fly . . . . they just beat the air into submission.

• Never let a helicopter take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

• Don't drop the helicopter in order to fly the microphone. A helicopter flies because of a principle discovered by Bernoulli, not Marconi.

• A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion.

• No matter what else happens, fly the helicopter. Forget all that stuff about thrust and drag, lift and gravity; a helicopter flies because of money.

• Helicopters are for the rich . . . or the enlisted.

• If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter . . . and therefore, unsafe.

• If something hasn't broken on your helicopter . . . it's about to.

• A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the helicopter again

• Helicopter flight: A bunch of spare parts flying in close formation.

• Anything that screws its way into the sky flies according to unnatural principals.

• You never want to sneak up behind an old, high-time helicopter pilot and clap your hands. He will instantly dive for cover and most likely whimper...then get up and smack the crap out of you.

• There are no old helicopters laying around airports like you see old airplanes. There is a reason for this. Come to think of it, there are not many old, high-time helicopter pilots hanging around airports either so the first issue is problematic.

• You can always tell a helicopter pilot in anything moving: a train, an airplane, a car or a boat. They never smile, they are always listening to the machine and they always hear something they think is not right.

• Helicopter pilots fly in a mode of intensity, actually more like "spring loaded", while waiting for pieces of their ship to fall off.

• Flying a helicopter at any altitude over 500 feet is considered reckless and should be avoided. Flying a helicopter at any altitude or condition that precludes a landing in less than 20 seconds is considered outright foolhardy. Remember in a helicopter you have about 1 second to lower the collective in an engine failure before the craft becomes unrecoverable. Once you've failed this maneuver the machine flies about as well as a 20 case Coke machine. Even a perfectly executed autorotation only gives you a glide ratio slightly better than that of a brick.

• While hovering, if you start to sink a bit, you pull up on the collective while twisting the throttle, push with your left foot (more torque) and move the stick left (more translating tendency) to hold your spot. If you now need to stop rising, you do the opposite in that order. Sometimes in wind you do this many times each second. Don't you think that's a strange way to fly?

• For Helicopters: You never want to feel a sinking feeling in your gut (low "g" pushover) while flying a two bladed under slung teetering rotor system. You are about to do a snap-roll to the right and crash. For that matter, any remotely aerobatic maneuver should be avoided in a Huey. Don't push your luck. It will run out soon enough anyway. If everything is working fine on your helicopter consider yourself temporarily lucky. Something is about to break.

• Harry Reasoner once wrote the following about helicopter pilots: "The thing is, helicopters are different from planes. An airplane by its nature wants to fly, and if not interfered with too strongly by unusual events or by an incompetent pilot, it will fly. A helicopter does not want to fly. It is maintained in the air by a variety of forces and controls working in opposition to each other. Having said all this, I must admit that flying in a helicopter is one of the most satisfying and exhilarating experiences I have ever enjoyed: skimming over the tops of trees at 100 knots is something we should all be able to do, at least once".

• And remember the fighter pilot's prayer: "Lord I pray for the eyes of an eagle, the heart of a lion and the courage of a combat helicopter pilot."

• Many years later, I know that it was sometimes anything but fun, but now it IS something to brag about for those of us who survived the experience.

• If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage/classic helicopter fly-ins? (owning a helicopter gives me perspective on this one: it's too expensive to fly it there!)

The Ten Commandments of flying helos :

1. - He who hath inspecteth not his aircraft gives angels cause to concern him.
   
2. - Thou shalt not become airborne without first ascertaining the level of thy propellant.
   
3. - Let infinite discretion govern thy movement near the ground, for thy area of distruction is vast.
   
4. - Thy rotor RPM is thy staff of life. Without it, thou shall surely perish.
   
5. - Thou shalt not let thy confidence exceed thy ability, for broad is thy path of destruction.
   
6. - He that doeth his approach and alloweth the wind to turn behind him shall surely make restitution.
   
7. - Thou shalt maintain thy speed between ten and four hundred feet lest the earth rise up and smite thee.
   
8. - Thou shalt not make a trial of thy centre of gravity lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.
   
9. - He who allows his tail rotor to catch in the thorns, curseth his children and his children's children.
   
10. - Thou shalt not fly unless thou first have a type rating for thy craft!

rofl. nice one sundowner.pl

:thumbup:

I've made it sticky and reserved for helo humour only

nice!!

I Know What You Want Kiowa :D

Remember video on YouTube where Apache crew peeps at pair making love in the cabrio? Unfortunately YouTube cease publishing it...

Remember video on YouTube where Apache crew peeps at pair making love in the cabrio? Unfortunately YouTube cease publishing it...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFtLWScKXGE

(you have to log in)

:megalol:

Ah, yeah that's it. (I must get used to reading the statements :doh:)

Well I keep finding things on my hard drive...

ROFL:megalol:

The helmet was hilirous

:thumbup:

The warning is wrong:P There should be :

Speed limit, enforced by helos. Beware of blades and H-fires;)

30 years of progress... ROFL!!! :))))))